"...I think my amazing experience at North Central was more about how close I felt to You, how amazing worship was. It was about realizing for the first time that I have hope and a future. Not that my hope and future was North Central itself but that You do, in fact, have amazing plans for me. Whatever that plan includes I do not know. I trust You, God. You showed Yourself to be so completely amazing and involved in my life in those few days. They changed my life, no doubt about that. That doesn't mean I will or will not go to North Central, it means so much was revealed, confirmed and established in (and to) me by You in my time there, and that's the important part. It may be that North Central was needed to catch my attention. and You know what, it worked."
Okay so the ending was a bit cheesy but you get the point. I don't really know what to do with this newfound revelation but I'm feeling a lot better about things. I was trying to control everything, convincing myself I KNEW what God wanted. I really thought I did, but then again, He has some funny ways of working. North Central, like the journal entry said, really showed me that I have a hope and a future. It wasn't the college itself. It's not like God was like "Your future is going here and taking English 101 from Mr Edwards" you know what I mean? It was showing me I could do things for Him, that He wants me. He actually wants me. He has plans beyond my imagination. I've heard it a million times from tons of different people. Jeremiah 29:11 was engraved in my mind. Yet I never believed it. As dumb as it may sound, I felt worthless to Him. Confidence has never ever been a strong point of mine, not in some ways at least. The first half of the year was basically miserable for me. I knew all my friends were going to leave, they had their futures, and I was going to be stuck in a dumb little town with nothing at all. Coming back from North Central, I felt completely different. I think that's why I was so set on North Central. I felt so close to God there, I figured it was sure the answer. But maybe God was teaching me something. Teaching me that I don't need college to have that feeling of being so utterly close to Him. College isn't the bad thing, but to me, after a while, it became' I NEED to go to North Central, to live in THIS dorm,and take THESE classes, to be close to God, which is utterly ridiculous.
(I have rambling problems)
I'm not ruling out North Central completely, I really did love the school and the city. As for this fall semester though, I think it's out. Every possible thing has went wrong while trying to get my transcripts to North Central (tests took months to get graded. books literally fell out of mail packages while in the process of getting to us, my last and hardest algebra test got lost, I have to retake it. My guess is it was God's way of waiting for me to put all the pieces together)
The only way I would go this fall semester is if things really came together quickly, and if I ended up getting a lot of grants/scholarships/financial aid. But since that most likely won't happen I plan on taking a few classes online from Williston.
I'm finding a lot of comfort in this all. I'm definitely NOT meant to be a busy busy kind of person. I'm made to kick back and relax. In the midst of this all I was working too much and cramming school. I drove myself absolutely crazy. I haven't practiced guitar in forever, and as dumb as it sounds, I've been craving to do a puzzle for months, yet have not had any time. It's exciting to think I won't be so incredibly rushed the rest of this year. I could do 10 whole puzzles if I felt like it :] and hey, just think, I might finally have the time to travel. Wouldn't that be nice :]
7 comments:
very cool, karmen! isn't it a cool thing when God shows you something later and you recognize it?! we serve such a mighty and cool God--He WILL work everything out for you!
Glad to hear God is revealing His truths to you! What an awesome answer, it is neat because struggles make such sense once He makes it clear and it is like an AHA moment. I love those moments :-) Sounds like you have a good starting point - maybe you can come visit me before too long :-)
What a good thing to realize Karmen:) And even better that is was given to you, so you'd have peace about your choices and your FUTURE! :)
As I was reading this I looked up and there was the verse Mary K cross stitched for me after Karmen was born.
"All thy children shall be taught of the Lord and great shall be the peace of thy children" Isaiah
Truly Karmen God is teaching you and revealing himself to you.
Wow it's great to view His word not returning to Him void. And fun to hear your unique observing too. The secret to life is no secret life (Scott Rollie)the word revelation means unveiling like a statue or painting that was shrouded or veiled until it was done, well we are His workmanship I'm glad we get a glimpse of what He's doing now and then.
Good stuff Karmen!!
Your bit of revelation is great. Is'nt it funny that we think we know God's plans for us. When we try to control things because we think we know better than God. It's amazing when we surrender our life to God it works out. I am glad to hear that your focus is on God and His plans for you.
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